On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
