I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
