Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
