we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
