I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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