OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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