i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
