hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
