The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
