Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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