the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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