its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize