I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
