Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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