I want to make a zoo with you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
