I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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