I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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