Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
