either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
