why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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