i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
