I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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