So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize