What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
