I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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