pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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