Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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