She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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