i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
