Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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