I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
