Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
