my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
