My cat gives me a boner
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
