This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
