you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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