you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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