I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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