The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
