Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
