I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
