well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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