i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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