i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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