The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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