you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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