y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
