My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
