Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
