when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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