I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
