I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
