I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
