Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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