She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
