Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
