It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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