I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
