Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
