How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
