No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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